While talking in the car with a good friend of mine, I decided to compile a list of the top 10 biggest jerks in the history of mankind. These are people who acquire their position for a multitude of reasons, but equally succeed at taking the world for suckers to placate their own position in life. Basically, they are geniuses at marketing themselves, and creating some sort of false atmosphere of hate, fear, paranoia, or ignorance that (if negated) would result in their unregarded downfall.
Or in layman's terms: They lie to get paid. Let's start.
10: Kurt Cobain
I figured to get the most obviously offensive entrant out of the way first. Cobain was the frontman of the early 90's band, Nirvana. For those who don't remember, Nirvana was widely considered the "mystery hit" sensation of the time. Much like Linkin Park was five years ago, or Avenged Sevenfold today. Nobody has any clue why these bands are so popular, and it's only a matter of time until their false popularity buckled under the gradual realization that they aren't that good, and name-recognition was the only component that enabled them to sell albums previously.
But step in Cobain. He decided, after dumping a lot of acid and trashing his motel room, to floss his teeth with buckshot. How a man as incapable of writing a good song lyric convinced a conscious human being to sell him a firearm is beyond my basic comprehension of physical reality, but for a guy on the brink of becoming just another has-been with a band nobody liked, Kurt Cobain decides to play a joke on society by blowing his brains out. Cowardly. Stupid. Genius.
Because of that little incident, the world felt bad about calling Cobain the talentless whiner he was (go back to 1991, and TELL ME you didn't think that about him). He had inadvertently solidified his notoriety in music history, and spawned a post-mortem fanbase that views him as a visionary. A prophet. A music deity. Simply because he shot himself, and nothing else. So for summoning a new wave of suicide-raving idiots who perpetuate a cycle of generic grunge that should've ended fifteen years ago, Cobain begins this list. What a jerk.Brand: Celebrity who Really Shouldn't Be
Similar offenders: Jennifer Aniston, Madonna, Paris Hilton
9: Lars Ulrich
The drummer for Metallica got really ticked off that their new album wasn't selling. That's probably because the mainstream demographic knew beforehand that the combination of a symphony orchestra and metal would only end in tears. So he vented his anger in the courtroom by ending the fun for all of us, and took Napster to court.
We continue with musicians as being jerks, and even bigger than Kurt Kobain was Lars Ulrich. For starters, just for being in Metallica. If you're going to remake Turn the Page by Bob Seger to some cliche metal strummings that carry NO soul, the only saving grace you can have is that YOUR band doesn't appear above Seger's name when the song title is put into a Google search. Metallica, we have some bad news. You're on the shitlist.
Napster was a load of fun while it lasted. We got all the music we needed, and the selection was so dismal, the connections so shaky, the personal listing of music so inaccurate, we usually ended up buying CD's in the long run. I always bought CD's after downloading them. Always. Because by listening first, I knew I wanted it instead of pressing my luck. I hated gambling with twenty-dollar bills, but Napster made it easy.
And Lars had to get his panties in a wad. After their 2000 album (whose name I will dare not dignify, to emphasize the "screw them" factor) tanked in sales, they decided to put all the blame on Napster. Not so much for stealing, but because you could preview it, and see it for the crap it was. Regardless, "stealing" sounds better/more convincing in a federal court of law, so there goes Lars, on the road again. There he is, up on the stage. There he goes, playing star again. There he is, wetting his pants.
By playing pity party, talking about how he must settle for a lesser private jet to get around, and ignoring the fact that his paycheck is in no way supported by album sales that were allegedly affected by Online music sharing, Lars wins a rightful position as being one of the top 10 biggest jerks of all time. Talk about not caring about the music or being heard. It's just all about the money, huh? Ten million a year isn't enough, is it Lars? Yeah. Get bent.Brand: Total Killjoy
Similar offenders: Dr. Dre, Madonna, Isaac Hayes
8: Justin Long
Maybe a number of you don't recognize the name. He was the actor who played the doofy little love-struck kid in Dodgeball. More specifically, he's the Mac.
Apple decided to air a string of advertisements where the Macintosh meets a PC, and they exchange "witty" banter. By witty, I mean "elitist diatribe regarding issues that most computer users don't give a hoot about, and underestimate the actual importance of taking personal security precautions." And these ads are just snide, unfunny, and downright mean spirited. They really do go above and beyond the basic call of criticism, and adopt a tone of elitist ramblings that ignore the fact that Macs cost more, still crash, have less software for them, still suffer compatability issues, and aren't used in most office complexes.
But, I'll save the explaination as to why Macs are inferior for another rant, and instead of hate the message, I'll take it out on the messenger. Justin...bite me. My bluescreen will take on your spinny rainbow cursor any day. And after the apocalypse, two things will remain. Cockroaches. And Linux.Brand: Regular Joe whose Act is Pivotal to Being an Ass
Similar offenders: Dane Cook, Billy Bob Thorton, Gilbert Gottfried, Howard Stern
That's right. The entirety of U2. You'd think it would be just be lead singer Bono for the hypocritical stance that we commonfolk should help the poor while he still rides around in limousines, and that we're not aware enough that Africa is a poor starving nation despite our non-caring as we have starving people in our own countries, too. You'd think I'd just say Bono. But to his other band members: you're just as big of jerks to society for one reason. You hang out with Bono.
He has a perfectly good excuse for his erratic behavior. Bono is insane with popularity. He's let fame get to his head, and now, like Jesus, he's a missionary out to change the world. And you guys just sit aside and don't slap him around for these beloviating antics? You're just as equal...just as deserving of #7
.Brand: Willing Associates of Jerks
Similar offenders: Islamic Extremists, Angels and Airwaves, PETA Vice President Dan Matthews, The Phelps Family, Madonna's Assistants
6: Michael Moore
He used to be amazing. Search Youtube for Moore vs. Fred Phelps, and you'll see what I mean. That was one of his most golden moments ever.
But you may notice that Phelps himself doesn't make this list. Yet Moore does? Simple explaination. Phelps is a scumbag. He spawned from nothing, equated to nothing, and committed his life to nothing. The leader of the Westboro Baptist Cult makes no amends to his ruthless attacks on homosexual stances in the United States, and even more unfortunately, directs his unrelenting vitriol towards innocent God loving people for not being insane enough. Phelps never has and never will have any sort of credibility associated with his name.
Credibility is the key word, here.
Moore is different, as he used to be credible, then fell. Fast. And hard. Like most people of his build do (no Moore criticism is complete without a cheap-shot kidney-punch to his size). Yet he used to be something great. Roger and Me was a touching exposition of a common American's struggle to survive the middle class. Bowling for Columbine, despite being riddled with factual errors, delivered a hopeful message in the end that we will one day find an alternative to our violent ways. Fahrenheit 9/11? Now you're just being an ass.
Yet he carried it with him for a long time, and unfortunately (see Kobain) so did a dipshit following. Fahrenheit was horrifically flawed, and worked strongly to divide a nation using one of the greatest tragedies as a crutch to accomplish this. Why? Mostly to create a typical controversial snuff film (see next) that uses a great man-made disaster to pad his pocketbook. Nothing sells quite like a conspiracy theory. And for paving the way to a mainstream adoption of sequential crap like Loose Change and In Plane Sight, Michael Moore you should be horribly ashamed of yourself. If you weren't such a selfish jerk, there wouldn't be the "truthout" retards goosestepping about.Brand: Pompous Fascists
Similar offenders: Dylan Avery, Tom Cruise, Ann Coulter, Rob Reiner, Sean Hannity, The French, Al Franken, Madonna
5: Mel Gibson
I'll make this short, because this man has gotten a lot more attention than he justfully deserves. Mel Gibson gets the midpoint in this list for making The Passion of the Christ with his own fortune. Read that last sentence again. Passion of the Christ, and own fortune. To be rich enough to fund your own movie is one degree of jerk that's nearly unheard of, mostly because that's more money than the average human being probably needs. To spend it on the movie adaptation of what was originally an anti-zionist screenplay (no joke, Wikipedia it) instead of some bullshit celebrity charity (see U2) is even greater.
And we all know where you stand now, sugartits. Alcohol is truth serum, is it not? Then again, so is panic, high speed, and the line "you have the right to remain silent." You're not only a jerk for the "holier-than-thou" attitude, but you also get extra lashings for ten explosive minutes that completely turned your career into a joke.Brand: Mel Gibson
Similar offenders: None.
I call Maddox a jerk, because it's what he'd want me to do. I feel that an uplifting entry needs to be put in here, because he's the kind of jerk that takes idiots around and doesn't treat them with proper dignity. He's the intellectual equivelent of Triple-H bodyslamming deaf kids through desks in a public speaking class for stuttering. Relentless, domineering, but there's one prevailing quality about him that makes him much greater than your average jerk.
As much as you hate to admit it...he's usually right. He takes no dignity in his position, no calm, no tact. Just straight-up pwnage followed by laughing in your face and peeing on your grandma. You've got to admire a man like that, a man who can only be entitled enough of a jerk to author "The Alphabet of Manliness" under the ostentaciously honest reasoning of needing the easy money. No lifelong ambition, no love of literature, no service to his fanbase. Just a ridiculing "agree or disagree, you bought my book, so you lose anyway" position that cannot be fought against.Brand: The Proud and Dignified Asshole
Similar offenders: Tom Leykis, Sacha Baron Cohen, Randi Rhodes, Johnny Knoxville, Dennis Leary, and of course, Your's Truly
3: Maury Povich
Never in the history of television has a man been able to make five shows, and repeat them ad nauseum for over ten years. They can be broken down into either paternity tests, extreme makeovers, help my fat disgusting toddler, insane moments caught on tape, and survivors of horrible accidents.
All of which are plain exploitation of others' misfortune.
Never have I seen the tears of men magically transform into diamonds mid-descent. Maury makes so much money from the horrible tragedies of others that it's simply disgusting. Worst of all, Maury, is that I watch. Almost every aggrivating day I can. If Maury is on, I'm there.
Paternity tests are all the same of "you are not the father" and watching the woman cry, or vice versa and the woman takes the time to be a loud-mouth bitch about it.
The extreme makeovers are the worst. It exhibits the shallowness of man, and how somebody who was ugly in high school can now win their crush with tens of thousands of dollars of plastic surgery? Look, fake boobs, face lift, hair grafts, liposuction, and now this plastic bimbo is suddenly NOT the psychotic creepy bitch from the decade past? Nuh-uh, don't buy it. But for some reason, the shallow idiots do. They always say yes, instead of what a rational human would say. "You think I have no shame in myself? You think I'm that hollow of a human being to be swayed by physical attraction alone?"
Fat toddlers just exploit ignorant mothers with no regard of their child's health. Sure they do this proverbial "mama boot camp" where they change the kids' diet, but the only way to ensure their little rugrat doesn't grow up into a gelatenous loser is to take away the very element that keeps them suppressed under the dependency of lard. Mom. Maury would be SOOO much better if they just shot those mothers on stage.
Caught on tape/horrible disasters are about as bad. It's like parading around circus freaks. They make ratings and raise bank on burn victims, car crash survivors, and those born with gnarling defects. And how do they compensate them? Usually, they send them to Disneyland. Gee, that's great. Thanks for exposing your crippled mug to the entirety of daytime TV, here's a ticket to Orlando.Brand: Sleezy Daytime TV Superstars
Similar offenders: Jerry Springer, Oprah Winfrey, Judge Maria Lopez, Montel Williams
2: George W. Bush
Talk about losing your base. Liberals call him a right-wing mess. Right-wingers call him a deserting sheep. And deserting sheep are too emberrassed by such assertions to dignify such claims. George W. Bush is one of those people who has gotten so out of touch with the American people that it's no wonder he'll go down in history as one of the most dismal leaders in world history.
It's like this. His platform depends on the basis of slightly pissing off everybody equally, but doing so in outrageous ways. His conservative nature alienates the whole of liberals, as does his refusal to deal with them. Fine. Such is expected. Then he goes out, and decides not to fight to border security in the hopes of alleviating criticism from the left.
The left isn't going to forgive, just because such is the nature of politics. Then, you slip from the very base of those who voted for you with this joke of a "guest worker program?" You then decide to pass a border initiaive conveniently before an election despite the wide consensus being that it won't solve anything simply because it throws money at a problem instead of tangible ideas? So you lose both sides of the aisle, get destroyed in recent elections, and now get to spend your remaining two years sitting at a desk chair perplexed by your own failures and absolutely powerless to do anything as an executive power without the legislative entities shooting you down.
Guess that's what a President deserves when they ignore the superficial nature of politics, and try to please everyone by pissin' off everyone.Brand: Current World Leaders
Similar offenders: Current World Leaders
1: Al Sharpton
Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Maxine Waters, take your pick. These are the biggest jerks in the history of the world, simply because they took the noble actions of Martin Luther King (amidst several other civil rights leaders) and turned it on its head. You guys wouldn't even exist if it wasn't for your alleged illusion that everything is racist. In fact, every time some man buys into the idea that some big-business entity IS conspiring against them for their ethnicity, you make enough money from your silly marches and rallies to buy a new Lexus.
Do you believe this? You guys base your livelihood around the oppression of others. And how do you ensure your livelihood? You ensure oppression. And when oppression doesn't exist, you either make it up or instigate it.
When it comes to reverse racism, the fat cats who have hijacked the modern Civil Rights movement are the worst offenders of it. They're the people who say that we must put forth 200 percent to be respectful (AKA politically correct) to their
represented ethnic minority, but don't give any sort of attention to when their own members exhibit zero percent of the same.
Michael Richards, the former Seinfeld star of Kramer, recently went on a racist tirade against some black hecklers in his audience. Such was uncalled for. Richards apologized profusely, and promised a change in his behavior. Al Sharpton is quoted as the apology as "not enough" and "refuses it." I am not kidding. When a white man apologizes for racism, and you refuse to accept it, it PROVES that your existence is around the perpetuation of oppression, and that without it, you would be nothing. You thrive on oppression. You DEPEND on oppression. You are like a leech, latching on to every potential instance of racial oppression and suck it for whatever you can acquire.
You're a whore. A whore to the darkness of mankind.
Yet you still assert that we need to have things like "Black Entertainment Television", and support the supposed important of "Black Student Unions." Whatever happened to the ending of segregation, that which your predecessors fought for? Got ass-whoopin's for? Got ASSASSINATED for? What the hell happened, Sharpton? Are you just ignoring that segregation bit, and deciding to implement it when it's CONVENIENT for you? When it's going to keep blacks apart from the rest of society in a way that leaves them more vulnerable to the intolerable oppressions that you allegedly fight so hard to prevent?
Why would you even uphold this reverse-segregationalist policy?
Because it pays the bills. Sure, segregation is bad, but to Sharpton, Jackson, Maxine Waters, and other leaders of the current civil rights movement, the segregationalist attitude that is augmented by Black Entertainment Television, Rainbow Push, Black-Centric scholarships, and Affirmative Action shows that they don't give a rat's ass about EQUALITY. It's not about "I have a dream" anymore, not about "little black boys and little black girls drinking from the well of freedom". No. It's about using the very tenets brought forth by the 1950's and 60's Civil Rights marches AGAINST society for their own selfish gain.
For pissing on the legacy and messages Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. strived for, overcame for, and ultimated died for...for perpetuating the cycle of discomforting ties between races...for overturning the racial amalgam of the people...Al Sharpton, you are the biggest hypocrite and puppet master the world has ever seen. It's not about race, and it's not about racism. Cast those two elements aside, and I'll still promise you, everybody hates you. Vehemently. You can't assume an original idea, and you can't support an opinion of your own. It's just the same song and dance of "they're all out to get you, let's fight onward against the (nonexistant) enemies, and never ever assimilate into common society."
With Sharpton around, it's like the Civil Rights movement never happened. He has single-handedly undone two decades of hardship burdoned by his previous generation. And now that he's trying to make every one of his clients a victim of Nelson Mandella proportions, how are we ever going to casually communicate with a black man sans the fear of a gargantuan lawsuit? If everything said can be spun into a racist diatribe, and simple racial remarks by a third-party can put double-murderers free to play another round of golf (you know who I mean), what was MLK assassinated for anyway?
A legacy gone awry. Sharpton, you are the biggest jerk of them all.
Congratulations.Brand: Race-Baiting Pseudo-Activists
Similar offenders: Maxine Waters, Yerzhan Ashykbayev, Jesse Jackson, Cruz Bustamante, Ray Nagin, David Duke, Piolin, James Broadwater
So I want to know. Am I being to harsh on some people? Agree? More importantly, disagree with any? I'd kill to find out. Especially from a few of you who also express strong opinion in their journal. Go nuts. Hate them, hate me, it's all fair game.
Wow. I've gotten way more responses than I was originally anticipating. While it's just as easy to read the plethora of comments this list has generated for any sort of clarification, I think it would be convenient to address some frequently asked questions.Where's Hitler?
These people are jerks. They're the kinds of people who went out of their way in some unorthodox fashion to inconvenience me. Whether it be by taking out my favorite websites, perpetuating societal hypocrisy, being undeniably more awesome than me, or generating an onslaught of mysteriously popular bad music, these jerks have done things that makes me despise them in ways that I have no legal power to do something about. Maddox excluded, of course.
Hitler is a criminal. Not many criminals on this list. Hitler's war crimes are horrendous. They are actions perpetrated with an intent of pure selfish evil. The same applies to Stalin, Pol Pot, and Bennedict Arnold. These are people who were persuaded by evil intents, and perpetrated wildly criminal acts upon humanity. To put them on this list would trivialize their
true evil. By no stretch would I state that Al Sharpton is more evil than Hitler. Sharpton ranks on the list because unlike Hitler, he's still alive, and he's still popular. The disgraced German fuhrer died unpopular and by his own hand. Sharpton is still kickin' to live another day to superficialize the true potential of the black community by segregating it with victimization.
That's where a number of other people would fall. Jane Fonda in particular. She shouldn't be on some wayward blogger's douchebag list. She really should be in jail. Sorry, no punchline for this stanza. No witty remark for her. There is no paragraph in existence that can win any sort of comedic value as long as "Jane Fonda" is imprinted within it.Where's L. Ron Hubbard?
I had to think long and hard about Hubbard, but there was one thing that remains within my mind. Scientology is post-mortem L. Ron Hubbard. Hubbard had no say in the management and distribution of this religion, and its popularity didn't begin to kindle until after he died. He was a science fiction writer. Not a prophet. Even he recognized this. There is a story that L. Ron Hubbard and Arthur C. Clarke were enjoying a drink together, and on a bet, Hubbard said that his next fiction novel would start a religious following. Hence, Dianetics was born. Scientology, the entirety of it, is founded upon a bet between two writers in a pub. It's not Hubbard's fault that Dianetics actually garnered such a cult following.
One could argue the same point in Cobain's defense. But Hubbard isn't an overrated no-hit wonder. He's more a genuinely good writer with one book that ruined it for everybody.Where's Nixon?
I'll let my man Lynyrd Skynyrd answer that question. "Watergate doesn't bother me. Does your conscience bother you? Tell me true."
Nixon has done a lot of good as well as establish a lot of liberal foundations while maintaining a strong conservative base. He had his goals, and he stuck to them. He was credible, stalwart, and very aggressive. Agree or not with him, I cannot warrant the capacity to give him any placement in this list simply because he bent and swayed accordingly with the game of politics.
Politics is a dirty sport. It's basically a game of "who can be the biggest fascist and wear the best 'freedom' disguise?" Every politician and world leader has a job to influence you, to manipulate you, to use whatever medium necessary (media, internet, television, publications, newspapers, drunken rabbling) to trick you. To trick you in to voting for them. It's their job, and it's the way we run ourselves. Sounds scummy on the surface, but as long as the system in some way works, we can either assume it's beneficial, or there is an Illuminati that frankly loves us all very much.Where's OJ Simpson?
If this list went to 25, I guarantee, he'd be on it. He's a criminal who didn't get what he had comin'. Yet the reason why he doesn't make top 10 isn't because getting away with double murder isn't a severe enough crime. Definitely not. He totally perpetrated that act. The thing is, though, the #1
race-baiting pseudo-activists helped
Simpson get off the hook.
If you listen to Simpson speak for himself, he really has no cognitive ability. There's no feasible way he could have, by himself, formulated some racist conspiracy to put an innocent man in jail. It took a crack team of inverse-bigots to play political correctness to pull it off. Simpson just sat back for the ride, and over time, has gradually begun to disgrace himself to a point where he has no credibility anymore. See Fred Phelps, and why he's not in here. No credibility? No fulcrum to be a jerk.