I love going to battle with idiots.

We all have dreams of finding that moment when we take a person who totally deserves a horrible thing happening to them, and be the one who delivers an exponentially excessive capacity of justice. Tonight, I got mine.

I was driving home tonight, and decided to change lanes. I get my speed up to 80, and shift left into the fast lane. While signaling, I see a pair of BLARING headlights flashing their brights about twenty car-lengths back. I don't think much of it, probably somebody just ticked off at somebody else who-

Now the brights are flashing RIGHT BEHIND ME. And it's RIDING my ass! This wacko must have been going eight hundred miles per hour to have gotten on my bumper so fast. I make a silent deal with this guy. For every time he flashes his brights, I'm reducing my speed by one mile per hour.

After about ten seconds of him riding my ass, I'm now going from 80 to 65. And no doubt, this bloke is getting PISSED. He finally gets the point that Dave is the bigger asshole on the road, and does not EVER let anybody be a bigger asshole than him. ESPECIALLY if it's towards HIM. So he swerves into the adjacent lane, guns it to Mach 2, and before passing me, slows enough to roll down a window and flicks a cigarette out the window. It bounces dramatically off my windshield in a shower of embers. This dude's driving a very nice white Jaguar, and apparently he wanted to use the 405 freeway at 7 in the evening to show off its amazing performance skills. Fair enough. Can't blame the guy if he's dumb enough to drive the way he does on such a chaotic freeway at such an atrocious time.

I watch him bob and weave irritatingly about traffic, and soon he's gone. I resume driving, still chuckling at the hilarious fact that I'm not him, but if we want to spar our asshole abilities, he's welcome to bring it any time.

It gets better.

About twenty minutes later, I'm merging onto the 101 Freeway. While navigating the overpass, I decide to get around a delivery truck, get my speed up to 60, and shift to the left. In my rear view mirror, I swear to God. FLASHING HEADLIGHTS. Some jerk is AGAIN flashing his high beams at me, probably pissed as all hell that such a discourteous jerk cut him off right when he was about to drift a 90 mile per hour turn on a 35 speed limit overpass. Again, this other jerk is blaring these high beams, trying to make a point that going 25 over the speed limit on a dangerous left turn is not suicidal enough for his desires.

I then figure, why not, I play the old confused fogey and decide to REALLY get under his skin by going the speed limit. The delivery truck is now passing me, as is a very tight stream of traffic tailing it. And here he is, weaving back and forth, and at this slower speed, can hear the horn nagging at my rear bumper. I've also got my digital camera by my side, and if he tries anything funny, he's getting his ass reported to the DMV for hit and run. Finally, merging onto the 101, I very slowly creep up to speed.

He finds a gap, takes it, and screams past my vehicle. I look over.

It's a nicely painted white Jaguar. Apparently, despite his cantankerous driving ability, he managed to get BEHIND me. Probably because there are many people like me that handle asshole tail gaiters the same way by just being the bigger asshole. The window rolls down.

A whole PACK of cigarettes goes bouncing off my windshield.

So to whomever that was; It was a good battle. But the fact that I made you throw over five dollars worth of valuable merchandise at me is what gives me the ground to declare myself the bigger jerk of the skirmish. I hope you got to your destination on time and safely, but remember, you'll be padding your pocket looking for a cigarette, and realize that in your crazy rage tossed them all at the toothy-grinned antagonist in the Dodge.

I win. Catch me sometime on the 101 in the morning, we'll spar again.