The movie begins with a bunch of snooty upper-class New York youth (people who live in fantastic luxury but dress like they ransacked a Salvation Army). They are holding a party, and suddenly, a love triangle is discovered between a bunch of people you don't really care about. Then, you are subjected to an atrocious hodgepodge of cantankerous bickering, awful dialogue, and the only redeeming factor is that the dipwad holding the camera is so obliviously inept at life that his snarky commentary really helps the audience believe that something absolutely horrible is about to happen to these pricks and you'll cheer the whole way.



Such is the nature of Cloverfield. It's a movie about experiencing a very disastrous moment of epic proportions, and fighting to get through it. Ironically, it's also how the audience feels upon viewing the opening, but the movie is the entity that fights FOR the audience to save the day. Cloverfield doesn't just be all blinky and wavey to amuse an easily-stimulated demographic for seventy-five minutes. It beats you up, then immediately nurses you back to health. Indeed. The movie has a terrible opening. Yet in retrospect nothing could be more appropriate.

It's like God Himself proclaimeth "ENOUGH WITH THINE SHITTERY!" and threw a gigantic squid turtle at them.

Yes. That's what I'm calling the monster from Cloverfield. Squid Turtle.

When it comes to character development and really empathizing with the protagonist, the audience is fortunately privileged to partake in the zany adventures of Squid Turtle. He's big, he's loveable, and his friends are a total laugh riot that your kids are sure to enjoy. Squid Turtle is basically God's gift to man, seeing as it only ravages New York, and remains fairly local to the Manhattan area. Sure, it has the means to, in seven hours, walk all the way to Tijuana for some rambunctious shenanigans with the populace, but instead chooses to benefit the progress of mankind by completely wiping Manhattan off the physical plane of existence.



Squid Turtle, though, is not welcome in the school yard. And we see why. It's because the other kids think he's funny looking, and pick on him. Squid Turtle is sad, and though he attempted to eat the Statue of Liberty's head thinking it was a chocolate bunny to quell his nerves, he later found it was just a tinfoil packaging full of toothpicks. This is a mean prank to pull on Squid Turtle, so he bulks up, turns over a cargo ship, and delightfully works to impress the astonished school children with his previously unknown ability to be REALLY funny looking. And how the children laughed. They laughed until their heads exploded, they did.



And so, with his new found talent and love for live, Squid Turtle returns to the park for a nice stroll, and the credits roll with the stoic satisfaction of a giant creature's newfound love for a recently discovered talent.

Being extremely badass, incredibly scary, and the centerpiece of perhaps the most unexpectedly fantastic movie I have seen in years. And with all hopes that you, too, will partake in a lovely fun day with Squid Turtle.



Pros: I thought the special effects' badness would be covered up by a bunch of camera shaking, honestly. Yet even when the camera was still, the visuals on all fronts are drop-dead gorgeous. The environment is immersive and excellently conceived. The story is extremely simple, but the simplicity shines in the very unique way in which it is portrayed in a post YouTube, post camera phone world. The sound is balls-out incredible throughout, and plays a substantial role in really selling an otherwise tough-to-sell situation set it such a real-world setting. The pacing of the film is top-notch for such a short screen time (1 hour, fifteen minutes) making efficient usage of introducing the story and totally wrecking the place. The last ten minutes of the film are some of the scariest images of sci-fi horror I've ever seen.

Cons: Human characters are tough to love, but that makes it more satisfying when they totally eat dirt. Camera motion can make one a bit nauseous. It's PG-13, which is a huge slap to prospective audience members seeking a solid R-rated monster smash (I've always held the belief that a horror movie will make more bank if it's rated R instead of PG-13). Some scenes are incredibly tough to follow, and may leave the audience not so much immersed in the whole chaos but more lost in wondering what the meanings of certain irrelevant images are. The first ten minutes are better spent doing "non public-friendly" acts to your date instead of actually paying attention...as many around me in the theater quickly realized.

Overall: It's a good ride throughout, and one that you won't feel disappointed about. If you have the mental stamina to trudge through the opening ten minutes without tearing out your eyeballs to use as earplugs, then you'll be in for a bloody awesome mugging you won't forget.

Appeal: Thrill seekers. Science fiction and horror enthusiasts. People who hate New Yorkers.